


There Is No You, There Is Only Me

by PipeDreams



Series: NIN Verse [4]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-26
Updated: 2011-04-26
Packaged: 2017-10-18 17:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PipeDreams/pseuds/PipeDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy tries to move on. Neil plays interference. Adam is still clueless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Is No You, There Is Only Me

_I'm becoming less defined as days go by_ _  
Fading away  
And well you might say  
I'm losing focus  
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself_

“What’s up Ratliff?”

Tommy closed his eyes, hearing the familiar cadence of his friend’s voice. “Neil,” he managed to say brokenly.

“Tommy, what’s wrong?” Neil asked, his tone becoming serious in a heartbeat.

“I... I t-think I need help,” Tommy said quietly as he looked at his arms riddled with scratch marks and welts; some had darkened to dark brown while the rest were an angry pink.

 

 _Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab_ _  
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad  
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab  
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut  
But I climbed through_

 _  
_

__

“You have to let him go Tommy. _Please_. Don’t hurt yourself anymore.” Neil pleaded.

Tommy didn’t know what to do about that. He was used to Neil being snarky, though the man had a softer side to him too. A side that he often showed to Tommy during his darkest hours. Like now.

“Are you even listening to me? Dammit Tommy.” Neil half-shouted, annoyance creeping into his voice. “This is serious--”

“Is it?” Tommy laughed bitterly, stopping only when Neil gave him a guarded look. “Oh don’t worry Neil. I’m not going mad. I was on the way there true. But the pills helped.” Tommy shrugged.

“I’m glad that you’re taking it _so_ seriously. Really I am. Fuck it Tommy. You could have died.”

“Stop being so dramatic. That’s your brother’s field of study.” The thought of Adam made Tommy flinch inwardly but at least it didn’t make him want to scratch his skin till it bled.

“Touché... Are you really alright now? And please don’t avoid the topic. Give me the bare facts. I deserve that after the phone bill you’ve left me with.” Neil said drily, though Tommy knew the man was only kidding about the bill part.

Tommy sighed. “You are like a mother hen you know that.” He chuckled when Neil glared at him. “I... am doing better Neil. Really.” _  
_“Really?”

“Yes. Really. The therapy helped a lot.”

Neil looked at him closely before saying, “Good. I’m glad Tommy... I just want both of you to be happy you know.”

“I know and I appreciate that. Thank you for...  everything.” _For the phone conversations. For forcing me to see a psychiatrist. For being there for me._

“Great. Next thing you know music will be playing in the background.”

Tommy laughed. “Way to ruin our Hallmark moment bro.”

Neil shuddered. “Yeah whatever. Now that you’re better I can continue on my journey around the world.” Neil said mock loftily. He had put a hiatus on his trips to visit Tommy, something the latter was most grateful for.

“Seriously Neil. Thank you.”

“And seriously Ratliff. No biggie.”

 

 _Less concerned about fitting into the world  
Your world that is  
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore  
No it doesn't really matter anymore  
None of this really matters anymore_

His therapist would totally disapprove on his method of recovery. But what the doctor didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her...

“Hey, you got anything good to drink here?” The black-haired man asked after their perspiration had dried and their breathing had slowed down.

“Beer in the fridge and some soda I think.” The black-haired man; Aiden, Brandon or was it Landon, got off the bed heading for the kitchen. “Bring me some water would you?!” Tommy half-shouted as he continued to watch the firm derriere of the man walking away from him.

Tommy knew it was over the moment they met. For one, the man’s eyes were greyish blue and for another, those eyes were lined in kohl.

 

 _Yes I am alone but then again I always was_ _  
As far back as I can tell  
I think maybe it's because  
Because you were never really real to begin with  
I just made you up to hurt myself _

 

Tommy saw the message on his phone. The name of the sender made his heart raced for a moment before he forced it to stop. _Breathe_.

 _Sorry, can’t do lunch today. Not free. Another time?_ Tommy typed the words before clicking send and going back to his movie marathon.

 

 _There is no you_ _  
There is only me  
There is no you  
There is only me   
There is no fucking you  
There is only me  
There is no fucking you  
There is only me_

 _  
_

__

Adam was a busy man. But that didn’t mean he didn’t have time for his family and friends. When Neil called asking about Tommy, Adam was shocked to realise that he had not kept in touch with his good friend since tour stopped. There was his new album of course and... Sauli. He smiled to himself thinking of the blond man. Things were becoming more serious between them. A man whom he thought would only be a fling turned out to be so much more. Sauli had gone back to his home country and Adam missed his presence. Sauli managed to do something other men couldn’t do. He made Adam stop thinking of what might have been. What might have been with another blond man he was trying to get a hold of for days. If he didn’t know better, he would think Tommy was avoiding him.

 _  
Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see  
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why   
Things aren't as pretty  
On the inside_

 _  
_

__Tommy needed to get out of the house soon. The only trips he made outside these days were to his therapist and to the video shop that rented out DVDs at a ridiculously low price. Even grocery shopping was done online because it was that much easier not to be around people. He wondered whether he was spiralling into depression again. The anger had long faded, but the sadness... the sadness remained. He made a note to ask his therapist during his next session. Because Tommy wanted to get better. He needed to.

The doorbell rang, breaking Tommy’s train of thoughts. It was probably the pizza man. Tommy eagerly walked to the door, wallet in hand. A hot slice of pizza would always manage to curb his hunger and... loneliness. Tommy opened the door. __

“How much do I--” Tommy stopped talking, staring at the man in front of him.

“Hey Tommy.”

 _  
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself  
Sometimes I can see right through myself_

“A-Adam?”

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics taken from NIN's "Only".


End file.
